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the unreal is more powerful than the real 'cause nothing's as perfect as you can imagine it. 'cause it's only intangibles, ideas, concepts, beliefs that last. stone crumbles, and wood rots, and people.. well, they die; one day they'll become dust. but things as fragile as a thought, a dream, a legend, can go on. here, in your mind, you have complete privacy each time you close your eyes. what if reality is nothing but some disease? there's nothing special in this world. no magic. just physics. the only thing i know is everything you love will die. the real truth's nobody wants reality, here's why: in this world, our generation pumping gas, waiting tables – slaves with white collars. advertising has us chasing cars and clothes, working jobs we hate so we can buy shit we don't need. we're the middle children of history. no purpose or place. we have no great war. no great depression. our great war's a spiritual war. our great depression is our lives. we've all been raised on television to believe that one day we'd all be millionaires, and movie gods, and rock stars, but we won't. we have no scar to show for happiness. we learn so little from peace. we're remembered more for what we destroy than what we create. here, desires don't coincide with possibilities, the good isn't rewarded and the evil isn't punished. here, we age, our eyesight's getting worse, our joints crack, our memories fade, our hair turns gray. however, i won't let you disappear. no, i won't give up just like that. no, you can't be so easily erased. don't open your eyes.. and i won't open mine.
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my body's begging me to cease whatever caused this condition.
my own mind refuses to acknowledge that you're gone. it still tries to bring you back though i do not want it, but i, sure as hell, need it so bad. so it kindly offers all these memories of past.
my heart can't let you go, it's something it won't learn to do. it won't listen, it does what it wants to. i cannot control it, neither predict its next move, but, dear, i'm sure it loved you more than anything it could love.
anything...
i'm torturing myself with all the letters that you wrote. when i read them, you seem closer. i know them all by heart and my mind won't let me forget as my body shook and shivered at the way you hurt with words.
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3. |
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do my actions contradict my words?
was there a choice?
am i screaming so loud that you cannot make sense out of this noise?
did i ever give a fuck at all?
was it my choice?
have i lost the ability to learn from my mistakes?
did i find what i've been searching for?
was there a choice?
am i trying too hard to win approval from these people i don't know?
do i seem too mean to everyone i meet?
when will i finally let it go?
can i be less arrogant and proud?
do i mean what i say or am i talking shit?
was it all just an act?
how long can i pretend?
who the fuck am i?
where do i fucking belong?
is my life a disease?
please keep your mouth shut, i know you've got the answers to those questions. i’ll choke you to death because you know how much i hate perfection. you suck!
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4. |
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knocking at the door with a "past" sign, it seems locked. i diligently tried to find a way to get inside, but the lock's safely secured by my stupid mistakes and shortcomings. and even the key, that's been fused of my most sincere regrets, can't ensure my entrance. let me in... i look through the keyhole and see a pathetic naive kid, sitting at the table; he's writing an essay on a piece of paper, and its title reads "my goals and dreams". he doesn't have a slightest idea about the consequences of such actions. i scream and i shout, trying to warn him of his senses, to bring him back to reason, to prevent him from becoming me. he hears nothing, there's a whole year between us and, as far as i'm concerned, there is no cry of such force that could overcome this distance.
i'm staring at the door with the "future" inscription. this one is wide open. it's way too bright and unexplored; it's so unclear; it's so cold, and it's so uncomfortable that i don't want to set my foot in. darling, if you divided my life to the time before i met you and after you left me, then i won't move an inch.
so i sit here in the hall, scratching "present" on the floor. i'm examining the corridor: a light's shining through the window, and on the windowsill there's a pot, and a daisy's thirsting in that pot. i reach out for my flask to water the flower, but my heart has frozen the water.
perplexed, i utter silent words, my breath is but a cloud of warm air evaporating. and that's where it hit me that ice can't become steam, it should stay water for a while.
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5. |
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because your handwriting is so sweet and calming. and every your word is laid out in my heart. because i can't help but hope that your next chapter is me. so don't tear my page from the book.
my story doesn't seem so tragic when you're reading it; but I broke your glasses, we will make nothing out of it. and the black ink that i bleed is all over your dress now. my arms are shaking and it's time for me to put this fucking pen down.
what if we're all authors of our novels? i will then burn my left-over blank note-book's pages. and this fire is going to light your own path into a better future where you won't forget you're truly alive and you won't need anyone to remind you that this place is your home.
i promise that i won't be fine unless you take my hand in yours and lead me through this shit-hole that we're living in. but if I won't see you again, and you're out walking one day, and you feel a certain presence beside you... that will be me, wherever i am. because i love you and you are my best friend.
forget me not...
what if we have to stay alive, just to see how the story ends? - i won't stop erasing your every period and turn them into comas, begging you for the sequel.
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i want back all those friends i have hurt and upset. guess for me nothing's free, i'm outside of this world.
i want back, like i said. will this last as was planned? i can't change anything. i'm awake, it's not a dream.
and i touch you to kill, but the memory still seeks a sign. there ain't time for old times. never mind. "i don't know who you are, i don't owe you 5 stars." - that's the negative review that your tomb will read. shit, in the end... in the end it's all dead. and no one can ever profit from that.
if you do not breathe, then why i should?
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7. |
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hear the sirens of the ambulance, just a reminder that the death's not far. this town keeps its streets unsafe to walk at nights, and only two steps from this rooftop could take me anywhere... but here.
if you're a coward just like me, you probably know how it feels - i'm burying my chin in my chest and shamely walking away. and while i'm at it, i am building castles high in the air, some kind of childish wishful thinking that will never be true: i wish that one day this place would become something more than just a sea of furrowed brows on faces and an unjustified hate, a place where there is no anger, a place without fear and tears that are rolling down the faces loud enough, but no one hears.
i might sound hypocritical as i am saying this because i hurt the ones i love and i still don't know why. it's an unreasonable reaction against those who are tryinna help. i'm sabotaging all their attempts, guess i don't wanna be saved.
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8. |
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you were the best among so many loves,
i could've told you 'bout my past.
your flower bloomed beside my window pane.
you were the best.
you were the best.
please be happy.
you were there for me so many times,
i wish that i could pay you back.
as flowers need their water, i need care.
you were there.
you were there.
hope you're smiling.
you were right about so many things,
i can't admit it to your face.
your flower wilted in my stuffy room.
you were right.
you were right.
i am not afraid to live without you.
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released August 1, 2013
